This Feels LIke the Hardest Year Ever

2012 feels like the hardest year of my life to date.  I have felt so much pain, have had so many regrets, and it feels as if I have spent 3/4s of the year to date crying.  It is all so ridiculous.

I have had much rougher years.  My dad's illness when I was a teen forcing me to live with strangers, the years of infertility, ten years of my dad having Alzheimers, being diagnosed with a chronic disease at 37, my youngest as a baby through toddler years, Raymond being sick, Raymond being diagnosed, Raymond's treatments, being told that my youngest might have a heart condition, Raymond dying, mom's Alzheimers, mom's death, general issues with the boys, and the list just goes on. Yet, I feel as if a year where I went to Alaska with my family, my children did amazing in school, I saw Joe Cocker and I have had no major financial or health issue is my hardest year.  Something is not right with the world.

I know there are lessons to be learned in all that is going on in my life, I am just having trouble figuring it all out.  I think I am coming close to at least reasoning out a lesson I might be able to live with in the future, or at least convincing myself that "it is what it is."

In all of this pain and lessons learned, I have not lost the reality of how truly blessed I am in life, love and friends. That being said, this year of finding me sucks! I think I would rather stay lost.