As I continue to try to find myself again this year, I know the universe is leading me some where, but I am not sure where yet.
During the first part of the trip to Alaska, I missed Randy horribly, enough so Loni had to talk me out of calling him several times at high dollar cost since there were few times I could get service on my cell phone. After all I had been talking to him every night since April 17, for hours and hours. There were many nights we talked 8 hours straight. However, in Anchorage, where I had cell service, I had a conversation with Randy where everything changed. I actually felt my brain click after he said something. It was a brain click I had felt before with him. Several times in fact, every time I broke up with him in the past.
I did treat this brain click different than I did in the past. I decided to think about it for a week instead of just diving right in and telling him that the answer was "there will be no relationship other than friendship." Of course he picked up pretty fast once I was home that there was something wrong. When the week was over and I finally told him, he was not surprised. He did surprise me though, by saying he wasn't giving up. It totally threw me and I told him so. I mean in the past he would just go away, and now he refused. He told me that he had grown up since the past and knew what he wanted now.
His refusal has not changed my mind, and he has been good enough to back off and we mainly text now and talk on the phone once in a while. It is nice to have him back in my life as a friend, but I know I have not made a mistake in deciding not to pursue this relationship as anything else.
The finding me in this experience has been the following:
- I don't want to get married again.
- I don't want to live with anyone.
- I would like to have a special man in my life that I could spend time with and talk to.
- I have not lost all my social skills in talking to a man.
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